ah, okay, here we go, the second scheduled post in ‘Drive Bay’ (the previous was around early 2022 https://drivebay.wordpress.com/2022/01/14/scheduled-post-hi-thank-you-stay-with-me/) hmm.. It’s kind of silly and a bit frustrating that I can’t really know at the time I scheduled a post or tweet to be published, am I still there laying in an unconscious state? Or am I already gone? Or this could be disbanded before it goes live because I’m back with my laptop? What’s currently happening outside right now?
I’m sorry I can’t predict that much, but here is the plan and I hope the weather is good today. Maybe you will get tired to read that line of ‘thank you for the love’ from me. I repeated it many times before, to make sure to let you know I received your love well and I’m thankful, and I want to emphasize in this post, the thank you for the love.
Psst.. Sorry in advance I’m not good at grammar.
To be honest, if d word for me came soon, it doesn’t mean I prefer joining my family there more than to be with people I love in the present. I truly respect all of you who shared your love with me.. It’s just sometimes turbulence hits hard. I’m really sorry. I kind of regret that at my lowest point I had that kind of perfunctorily wish for the shortcut to join them.. Now I’m afraid it would be granted at the wrong time (so silly of me, again, I am sorry. So maybe, if you wish for something, be detailed about the time, also terms and conditions. Take a lesson from this brain-under-construction twenty-one years old Bai! 😂)
It’s more like.. I don’t want, or truthfully, dare to wish about life or die anymore while I chose to try, try, and try. Surrender to the Almighty’s will might be the closest word. As how 2021-2022 progressed, I think this might be a lucky chance that was given to me as an extension of twenty years old Bai, to have a more proper closure about what I can do to people that I love, about things I love, etc. I really thought I might die in 2020. I was so close, gradually, at that time. But voila! I’m saved with heartbeats to be able to write this on August 14, 2022.
I’m feeling complicated about that because I could be a selfish monster when I already know the probability to die soon is so great as the answer to the ‘let’s see’ from this early 2022. I might not reach twenty-two ever even though it is already so close. It feels like I’m just taking your love without being able to give it back. But also.. We’re just surrendering to what is beyond us. As any day could be our last so I’ll be holding onto all the love we found; I chose to hold onto all the love I found. I want to love you all more. I hope it’s okay, and I fear it’s not okay. 🥺
Anyway, there’s no end to what I’m saying about hopes and fears, but the heart of life is good because of those love. I mean, any form of it. Be it a kid who said something sweet to you “sister I’m so happy to play with you” so you forget for a while how the forecast fucked up, or even it is the simplest sincere “have a good day” from a passerby. ‘True’ love is kind, doesn’t it?
bad news never had good timing
but then the circle of your friends
will defend the silver lining
pain throws your heart to the ground
love turns the whole thing around
no, it won’t all go the way it should
but I know the heart of life is good
pain throws your heart to the ground
love turns the whole thing around
fear is a friend who’s misunderstood
but I know the heart of life is good, I know it’s good.
Looking back on the past years, it feels like a long story short. People can come and go, even your most loved ones might be gone too soon from this mad, mad world. Some can care, and some can betray. Some can love you, and some can hate you. All mixed, but if you still try, maybe it all can teach you and bring a light.
This sentence I got from a Kdrama (Lost, 2021) sounds so sad: “it was a day when nothing happened and it felt like tomorrow would not come. In a dark room where no one came, I faced the fact that nothing was mine and I became lonely.” Well, to be the last standing in my little root family, pierces hard sometimes. Because who knows if I will lose again people that I love in my lifetime? But don’t we all made from flesh back to the earth in the end, alone? After all the efforts, it somehow gave me comfort. It stripped down to just what we did because that’s the only that will be left.
And for what I receive.. I’m forever thankful, as well I’m really sorry. Thank you for bringing the evidence that the heart of life is good. This date post published marked a month from my latest consciousness so I think we can just stop praying for a normal comeback. Maybe someone will deliver the news about my last day. I really don’t know, I just can prepare, but what I know is: thank you.
I will repeat these lines, “maybe I didn’t find love from the most expected place I can learn about, but I find love in my partner. I find love in his family. I find love in my best friends. I find love in communities. I find love in people’s life. I find love via my fangirling account. Yes, I find love in you.” Thank you for the love. Thank you for everything. Take care always. Let’s meet again in another good weather ♡
I know she’ll let you down
but the fever breaks when it’s too much to take
so you can put your weapons down
and all you’ll hear is the music
and beauty stands before you
and love comes back around again
it’s a carousel, my friend.
Drive Bay 